What does the brain have to do with sex anyway?

The brain is sexy.¹ The brain is our biggest sex organ.² The brain is our cheapest, most versatile and portable sex toy.³

I talk often about how the brain has patterns that can interfere with our ability to feel our full expression of pleasure and that mind-chatter can pull us out of our body experience. In fact the course I am taking is very focused on feeling your body and the pleasure/sensations you experience. However this is only one aspect of sexual experience; the brain/mind⁴ plays a key role in all sexuality and sexual experience. The focus on the body can lead some people to mistakenly think the mind is unimportant during sex or that it needs to be shut off.

Rather than shutting down the mind I believe it is more about engaging the mind. Fantasy, visual imagery and visualization are one way to engage the mind which can contribute to fulfilling sex; some people consider fantasy to be a complete sexual experience unto itself. There are many other ways to engage the mind including creating an erotic story by pulling words randomly out of a hat or keeping a favourite image in plain sight. I sometimes like to include expressive arts into my sex play.

We do not have to be ‘thinking’ for our brain to be engaged.  If we are fully aware of everything we are doing the mind is naturally engaged, often with no thoughts at all. Body-Mind connection and mindfulness come to mind. Bringing this into full engagement into sexual activities with self and/or others is explored in the course I‘m studying Yoga of Sex where there is a large focus on somatic learning. Yes the work is very much of the body AND it is also of the mind. It is truly about being present with the current experience and focusing on the pleasure. When we focus, when we are fully present in the experience, our mind is involved and can be fully engaged. Whether you are receiving pleasure and focusing on what it feels like in your body or you are focusing on the touch you are giving another, the potential is the same.

It is not only the mind that plays a role in sex but the brain itself.  “Brain Sex” with Marta Helliesen is one of the most impactful workshops I have ever taken. The brain is involved in all our sexual experiences and feelings.  Of the variety of topics Marta covers I was surprised to learn our sex lives are directly impacted by digestion and the fight or flight mechanism. Three years later I still think about the information she shared and I always plan to eat light before an intended sexual experience.

This blog is in honour of those in my life who identify as geeks, thinkers, over-thinkers, reflectors, analyzers, processors, mind focused etc.

Here are some books that may appeal to the thinkers and enthusiasts of the workings the mind:

Erotic Mind by Jack Morin

She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
by Ian Kerner

He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man
by Ian Kerner

¹ The brain is sexy. – P.S., a friend and colleague, said this to me last week.

²The brain is our biggest sex organ.- From “Brain Sex” w Marta Helliesen. I can’t guarantee this is a direct quote but at the very least this idea came directly from her class.

³The brain is our cheapest, most versatile and portable sex toy. – Me (Cheri Michael) about an hour ago and what started this post.

⁴ I have no strong opinion or fact on thedifference between the brain or mind.  I use the words here in a way that feels right to me.

Be a Revolutionary: Have Sex

“If sex and creativity are often seen by dictators as subversive activities it’s because they lead to the knowledge that you own your own body (and with it your own voice), and that’s the most revolutionary insight of all. – Erica Jong (EJ)

I stumbled across this quote the other day. The timing was very fitting as I had just taught a Sacred Sex Starts With Me Intro class and in a separate, very in-depth, conversation discussed how and why I use the expressive arts for exploring sacred sexuality.  After spending hours reflecting and writing I realize I have taken another step in my struggle to express why the work I/others do is important.

I do not know her work or politics but taken on its own this quote rings very true;  I wonder what Erica Jong would think of where her quote has lead me?

Revolutionary thinking has given us great ideas leading to revolutionary actions that have brought about great change.  There are numerous examples in the histories of our communities, our countries, our world. There are still revolutionary actions today but they are perhaps better known as activism. We cannot become complacent.  It will continue to take revolutionary thinking to bring more change in our world, to solve problems, to bring about community and global healing, to find peace and balance. Do you wonder if you can be a revolutionary thinker? If you can you incite change in the world?

If revolutionary changes come from revolutionary thinking, it starts with one person with one new insight.

“… knowledge that you own your own body (and with it your own voice), [is] the most revolutionary insight of all.” (EJ)  I think this is just the beginning but what a great place to start, in fact a critical place to start and this insight comes simply from being sexual and creative.  When insight is explored it leads to deeper understanding. If we consciously explore our sexuality and creativity (and I strongly recommend using one to explore the other) we can gain further insights. By knowing yourself, your needs, desires and wants, you can make positive change in your life. By making positive change in your life you inspire change in the lives around you, and as their lives change it ripples outward and the world changes too.  So to embrace your creativity, and to embrace your sexuality, is to be a revolutionary thinker and to enact change in our world.  It all starts with one insight. So yes you are a revolutionary thinker; you can incite change in our world.  Odds are since you’re reading this blog you’ve had an insight and you are already making changes.

I regularly explore my sexuality and creativity and help others to do the same. It is both my privilege and my challenges that have brought me to this place in life and have made it possible for me to do what I do.  The awareness that ‘I own my body’ came out of my life’s experiences and the things I lacked. Since the first realization, this insight has been explored in various ways; in recent years explored out of necessity related to my health circumstance.

Please know I am not saying the only thing we need to do is have sex and create, we cannot ignore what needs attention. But maybe if we continue to have healthy sex and create openly, while making space for others to do the same, everyone will have the opportunity to gain “the most revolutionary insight of all”(JM) that we own our bodies and our voice. There’s no telling where this can then lead: to further revolutionary thinking which incites revolutionary actions which brings change in our world.  Imagine for a moment a world where everyone knows, with everything it entails, that they own their own (and only their own) body and voice. How much more peaceful the world we live in would be.  You may think this my impossible dream but only if we try will we know.  I will continue to create and have sex, to explore my creativity and sexuality, to change my thinking to change my life and to support others to do the same.  Who knows? Maybe the impossible becomes possible.

stranded on an island … you would be coming by your own hand

My new favourite quote!!

Sex toys are a boon for adult human sexuality. They are not crutches, or a substitute for anything and they are here to stay. So stop worrying about getting hooked on a vibrator and not being able to come using your fingers so [they] can use [their] fingers and GIVE you a climax. We all need to realize that we each are responsible for our own orgasms. Believe me, if you ever got stranded on an island without electric current or no source for batteries, by the end of the year you would be coming by your own hand.  Big deal!!! ~Betty Dobson

http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/betty-dodson/2010/06/why-women-think-they-cant-orgasm

Witihin Reach Part 5: A Glimpse Into Sacred Sex Starts With Me

For the whole picture check out Part 1, Part 2,Part 3 and Part 4

To conclude this series on personal sharing; I would like to share what I learned from my own workshop. (Don’t worry the benefits of the  Self Guided Version of Within Reach are available for everyone free until February 15, 2010.)

A Glimpse Into “Sacred Sex Starts With Me” lead by Cheri Michael (hey that’s me) starts by addressing two questions. What is Sacred Sex Starts With Me and why are we using the arts to explore sexuality?  It also covers a little bit on various sacred sex traditions and yes there are arts exercises. The arts are the basis of the program after all and why not start exploring your sexuality right now.  Some words from the Oct. 17 group word popcorn on sexuality  were : warmth, connection, intimate, fire, bodacious, smiling, power, freedom, passion…

Leading this workshop always teaches me something new and/or reinforces the significance of something I already know. Two significant things that I took away from Within Reach were:

1 Hearing my personal experience of how sexuality and the arts have affected my life is important to people, for some much more important than knowing the theoretical concept, the why.  Which in its simplest form is “No matter how often I feel disconnected in my sexuality, if I allow myself to create art, using specific arts exercises or not, I feel myself become more connected in my sexuality.”

2 Since people are different in each moment, I consider it a fact that each time I run an exercise the responses will be different even if all controllable factors were equal. This is just one more way each person is uniquely wonderful and amazing. i was reminded there will also be words that haven’t come up before. No matter how many years I do this, nor how many people I work with in groups or individually and I hope this always happens!  How beautiful is it to have bodacious, vitality and connection all shared in response to the word sexuality.

Check out the information and try the exercises here.

Now that I have shared all there is for me to share – on this topic
On to planning the next event, whatever that may be!

Explore with Passion,
Cheri

Within Reach: Infinite Possibilities of Sex and Sexuality is available in a self-guided version.  It’s free and you can find it online at http://www.erosfinearts.com/withinreach.html until Feb. 15, 2011.

My Thoughts Part 4: You Are So EcoSexy

For the whole picture check out Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3

It’s just over four weeks and I am happily still working on sharing the Infinite Possibilities presented in The Within Reach Symposium held on Oct. 17th, 2010. This is my third post where share what I learned from one of the  workshops. The benefits of the  Self Guided Version of Within Reach are available for everyone free.

Kim Sedgwick offers great tips on choosing a toy while still making healthful choices without sacrificing comfort, satisfaction or playfulness in your sex life in You Are So Ecosexy: Enhance your love life while being good to the earth. Her list of things to consider, some of which we just don’t think of, takes some of the guess work out of buying a toy. She doesn’t leave you hanging but gives a little guidance on what to do with those answers too.

Just two of the questions she poses:

What is the main purpose for your toy?
Are you planning on using it for solo and/or partner toy?

If you’re in the market for a new toy or just want some good insight into toys or even yourself it’s worth a read.

My favourite moment was realizing that, even though something is really important, it hadn’t occurred to me to take it into consideration.  It may surprise  you, it sure surprised me.   Thinking about things with this perspective had not occurred to me.  If you remember I’ve worked with sex toys for years and know first hand how great all of these tips are. So giving me something new to ask when I buy a sex toys is pretty cool.

I’ll set the scene.  I’m standing in the back of Red Tent Sisters greeting people as they walk in the door and trying to catch at least some of the workshop. Then bam my attention is fully focused on the workshop.  “You don’t want to be looking around in that critical moment. ” I hear Kim say.   Batteries. She’s talking about batteries. Specifically what type of battery does it take. I don’t just mean will it run my toy – but how available is that type of battery? (Ie..AA vs those little tiny round button batteries.) Does the value of the toy outweigh any challenge I might have in finding the batteries.  It really hit me how many toys are in my drawer that I’ve used only once.  If the batteries are not easy to  get in a store I’m less likely to  have them on hand at home.  Of course this leads to all sorts of reminders of those moments the batteries run out and you’re running around.  Of course the solution is to keep a stockpile of batteries with my vibrators. Which I do But I need to be able to find them in a store to make it possible

Yes, this is my highlight – my aha moment and I am proud to say it can improve my life.  Which tip will make a difference in your sex life?

In tomorrow’s post get highlights and my favourite points from from my workshop, A Glimpse Into “Sacred Sex Starts With Me”.

Express your Ecosexiness,
Cheri

Within Reach: Infinite Possibilities of Sex and Sexuality is available in a self-guided version.  It’s free and you can find it online at http://www.erosfinearts.com/withinreach.html until Feb. 15, 2011.

On Within Reach: Part 3 The Dance of Yin and Yang

For the whole picture check out Part 1 and Part 2

The Within Reach Symposium held on Oct. 17th, 2010 is still sending ripples out in my life.  This is the second blog posts sharing  something I learned from each of the four workshops.  Get the benefits of the  Self Guided Version of Within Reach for yourself completely free.

In The Dance of Yin and Yang: Active and Receptive Bedroom Arts Shahrazad helps us become aware of how we express yang (active) and yin (receptive) energies in sex play.

Yin: Receptive, Water, Flow, Surrender, traditionally associated with Feminine Energy
Yang: Active, Fire, Spark, Give, traditionally associated with Masculine Energy
Regardless of your gender, these energetics present within everyone.

My favourite line from this workshop is “1+1 = 3 two energies combine to make a third that is greater than the some of it’s parts.”  If this does not immediately seem like a ‘yes’ to you, I hope you will explore your own experiences and see how/if it makes sense. It does ring very true for me. I have a lot of thoughts about this idea but I’m not going to share them at this time.  I hope you will share yours though.

This weekend I tried out the homework assignment and I give it more than two thumbs up. Try it!

You can find highlights and my favourite points from the other workshops in the previous post and the next two.

Tomorrow: You Are So Ecosexy: Enhance your love life while being good to the earth.

Play,
Cheri

Within Reach: Infinite Possibilities of Sex and Sexuality is available in a self-guided version.  It’s free and you can find it online at http://www.erosfinearts.com/withinreach.html until Feb. 15, 2011.

My Thoughts on Within Reach: Part 2 The Elements in Sensuality

Yes this one is a multi-parter! Check out Part 1

Weeks later I am still thinking about what I learned on a personal level from Within Reach on Oct. 17th 2010.  I learned something from each workshop, including my own.  There is one blog post for each workshop. At the time I felt great excitement from the possibilities and I still do. More than once I have visited the Self Guided Version of Within Reach to refresh myself on the ideas.

One thing that was particularly relevant to my personal, and yes sexual, life came from The Elements in Sensuality with Reneé Pilgrim. The focus of this workshop is exploring the various components of the 5 elements which helps us to recognize patterns of balance and imbalance.  We can learn through their relationship how to thrive in our sensual beings.

What I learned that had the most impact on me:

The element of fire can be dampened if water is seeping out and water can be contained by earth which is structured by wood which is tempered by metal.

One way I relate this to my own life is:

My joy [fire] – which for me can also be passion can be dampened if my fear [water] is seeping out. However  fear [water] can be contained by nourishment/integrity [earth] which is structured by vision/benevolence [wood] which is tempered by inspiration[metal].

So if I have little  joy (or passion) there may be too much fear. I can contain my fear by nourishing myself. Having a strong vision, perhaps of how I want my life to look,  can help form how I nourish myself.  Inspiration that comes will help me to adjust my vision and therefore how I nourish myself as needed.

How’d I do in my interpretation Renée? There are so many intricacies I couldn’t have got them all but the five element chart is a great starting point.

Come back over the next few days for some highlights and my favourite points from the other workshops.

Tomorrow: The Dance of Yin and Yang: Active and Receptive Bedroom Arts

Have a sensual day,
Cheri

Within Reach: Infinite Possibilities of Sex and Sexuality is available in a self-guided version.  It’s free and you can find it online at http://www.erosfinearts.com/withinreach.html until Feb. 15, 2011.

My Thoughts on Within Reach: Part 1

Thank you to everyone who came out to Within Reach on Sun Oct. 17. Thank you to the magnificent women I had the  honour to share the day with and thank you to my partners and friends for all their help before during and after the event.

It’s now Friday night and almost bedtime.  This week has been filled with so much follow up and catch up – since Within Reach – that I am behind in posting my updates for you. Tonight will  be a quick blog on the day overall and then over the next 4-7 days I will write something on each workshop.

Exciting News – Within Reach: Infinite Possibilities of Sex and Sexuality is now available in a self-guided version.  It’s still free and you can find it online at http://www.erosfinearts.com/withinreach.html until Feb. 15, 2011.

I had a fantastic time and  I learned something from each presenter.  It is always a gift to learn something – especially related to sexuality.

My highlights from the day:
We had the best attendees -  attentive , involved and asked question either in the group or during breaks.
I particularly loved how many personal stories & experience were shared by the presenters.
The group acrostic was incredibly fun – as they always are.

Here is one we created in the afternoon:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And on that happy note … off to bed I go!

Want a Peak? I love anticipation…

Within Reach: Infinite Possibilities of Sex and Sexuality is  just over a month away and is keeping me busy busy busy.

You are invited to spend the day with four sexuality educators at this free all-day symposium hosting a workshop line-up with a little something for everyone.  Each mini workshop offers a unique perspective on sex and sexuality. Join us for a few hours or the entire day. There will be light refreshments and chances to win door prizes.

Here’s a Sneak Peak at two of the mini workshops:

A Glimpse Into “Sacred Sex Starts With Me”
The Dance of Yin and Yang: Active and Receptive Bedroom Arts.

Expand what you thought was possible.

More to come soon…

Desire and Inspiration – Mystery or Practice

Desire
Do you feel it? Do you like it? Do you recognize it?

As I sit here at 2:30am, awake (well that’s obvious or I wouldn’t be sitting here typing), I feel the inspiration on the edges of my sleepy haze.

Inspiration for what – is it a new poem, artistic creation, blog entry, sacred sex workshop?  Questions like these plague the minds of so many – perhaps it’s simply an age-old question that will be asked forevermore.

When generalized inspiration comes we need to ask: What is this inspiration for?  Where do I focus it? At other times we question: Is this inspiration?

Often abstract, vague and difficult to recognize; inspiration may flourish and fade or come in so strong you can’t deny it.  Today inspiration may look and feel one way and another day it may be completely different. There is a natural ebb and flow from week to week, day to day or sometimes moment to moment.  Adding to the unpredictable nature of inspiration are the changes which may occur, perhaps on a larger scale, as life goes on and we grow, evolve or just adapt to the changing world around us.

Inspiration is much like desire.  It ebbs and flows. Changes how it appears, what it feels like and what it demands of us – it can be demanding at times or simply a gentle nudge.

I choose to accept (at least as often as possible) my ever changing desire. To allow it to develop however it wishes and hope that some days I can understand it but knowing I will never fully  understand it or recognize it in every moment.  I’m good with that but sometimes, when I can’t quite figure out what it wants, I also experience frustration.  I do so like the mystery though so I focus on exploring desire instead of any frustration.  I know that learning to recognize my desire, just like inspiration, allows me to learn ways to express that which I feel at my core.  Whether it be “I just want you to go down on me right now…pleeeeeeaaaaaase”; “gently kiss the back of my neck…oh yea just like that” or the creation of my newest piece of art combining work from high school with the new style  and technique I have developed over the years.

I believe everyone is able to recognize their desire – in some way.  And like inspiration, as frustrating as it could be, there are times when that desire is very low or seems completely unrecognizable*. There can be many reasons or contributing factors but each person determines what is comfortable/good for them and if they want to explore how to make adjustments.

Recently I have been learning a lot about ‘practice.’ Pretty much every coach (sports, life, sexuality etc.) will tell you practice (or something similar) is vital to any change or improvement you wish to.  I believe practice can also be a tool in recognizing desire.

How does one ‘practice’ something like recognizing desire? Different educators/coaches/therapists will have different answers. I’ll share a few answers that immediately come to my mind and leave the others to  speak for themselves. Any safe sane and consensual sex act could be ripe with opportunity to practice recognizing desire – solo or with partner(s), physical or energetic, fantasy or enacted in the world. But many of us have enough trouble getting our mind to stop running.  Personally I find to learn anything it requires paying attention in a way that could keep me from being present with my sexual act.

A mindful solo sex practice  can provide luscious opportunity to recognize the subtleties and changes of your desire.  (This process can be on your own or with the support of a coach** who could help tailor the practice to meet a specific goal you have set.) A suggested goal is paying attention to your changing desire as you self pleasure.  It can be beneficial to remove the pressure for an orgasm.

A third approach uses the expressive arts.  With the support/guidance of the facilitator or coach; “Sacred Sex Starts with Me” and sexuality coaching using the expressive arts are perfectly suited to a goal of recognizing your desire.  This is a process that can also be done on your own.*** Below is an exercise to get you started.

It’s time for me to discover what tonight’s inspiration is all about – or is it desire?

~Cheri

*sometimes psychological or medical factors may play a role, consider getting help ads needed.
**for more information on choosing a coach visit http://www.erosfinearts.com/whatweoffer.html
***a self guided   “Sacred Sex Starts with Me” program is in the development stage

The Exercise:

Every day for one week (or three weeks) complete the following three line form poem called My Desire.

My Desire
by_________

The colour of my desire is _________________

The most incredible kiss felt like ______________

I feel desire every time __________

Important Instructions:

• Have fun with it.  As always I am available for sharing your expressions.
• write the first thing that comes to mind
• spend no more than one minute per line (if possible)
• the answers may be the same from day to day or they may change
• keep each one but do not look back at any of them until your 1 or 3 week(s) are complete
• review them and see what you learn
  • I pay particular attention to similar responses and what surprises me